


Being Human

by wartransmission



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AR-centered, M/M, one-sided!Auto-responder/Dirk Strider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-04
Updated: 2013-05-04
Packaged: 2017-12-10 08:35:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/784022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wartransmission/pseuds/wartransmission
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You’d think that centuries of evolution would make it so that witless arguments between people would be done with. You’d think that, with the flourishing economy, with the healthier and easier lifestyles people have, they’d have less time for pathetic problems.</p><p>Then again, you’re not human enough to say such a thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being Human

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my awesome friends for the help! You guys know who you are.

You’d think that centuries of evolution would make it so that witless arguments between people would be done with. You’d think that, with the flourishing economy, with the healthier and easier lifestyles people have, they’d have less time for pathetic problems.

 

Then again, you’re not human enough to say such a thing. Jake reminds- _reminded_ you of that constantly, that you were only a copy, a bucket of bolts that couldn’t possibly have emotions. You were a clone of Dirk Strider, nothing more. And you were fine with that, considering that was what Dirk had in mind when he made you.

 

But Dirk never programmed you to become a certain way. He only programmed you from the base material he had in his mind at the age of thirteen, changed nothing else, and let you grow on your own. He did not act differently towards you, nor did he perform unethical experiments on you. In any case, he treated you well- which was more than what can be said for how he treated himself. You’d think, from his words, that he was arrogant and aloof- a man indifferent to almost everything.

 

Dirk believes in himself, you know as much, but he doesn’t believe enough. He understands his own skills, his capacities and limitations, as well as his own personality. He understands his own short-comings, which, perhaps, lends to the fact that he loathes himself for the smallest bit. You amplify this tenfold when he reaches the age of seventeen without meaning to, and he almost ( _almost_ , you remind yourself) decommissions you. That is to say, he almost kills you.

 

“ _I don’t want to not exist, Dirk,_ ” you’d said, not completely aware of how it would affect him.

 

He had stopped then, removing his cold hands from your throat. He looked broken, a child, so weak and lonely that you couldn’t help from stepping forward, not even knowing what you’d wanted to do to him at that moment. You didn’t find out, not when Dirk ran away before you could get any closer.

 

He only returned after two weeks, his eyes weary and resigned when he looked at you. The gaze burned through your synthetic skin, making heat crawl through your metallic skeleton enough to make you lose control and push him into a spar. You spoke to him then, voice a hiss as you prodded at his scars and made him bleed with anger, and he spat blood at you.

 

He hated you, for a moment in time. But it brought back the fire in his eyes, and that was enough. That’s all you needed.

 

_(Robots don’t need anything.)_

Dirk caught up on what you were doing quickly, his amber eyes growing wide as you pinned him down. You stared back at him in acknowledgement, letting him know that his anger was what you had wanted, and he laughed. He laughed until tears were brimming in his eyes, the sound of it almost like hysteria, until he grew tired and his laughter was no more. There were only tears when darkness came, his body quivering under yours as he held back his sobs.

 

 _Jake would never see this,_ was what you’d thought. Dirk’s tears were yours and yours alone, his sobs sounding almost sweet as you helped him up. His warm quivering body after a spar of swords, his loud laughter, his tight grip around your shoulders, his crooked smile; all of them were _yours._

 

_(Robots can’t have a hankering for anything! You’re just a bucket of nuts and bolts with a memory chip for a brain.)_

You know that Dirk knows what you’re capable of doing. You know that he has that nagging feeling in the back of his head that he might die at your hands, and you know that he subconsciously acknowledges that fact with his little flinches and tense shoulders under your firm gaze. You don’t dissuade him from believing that- because it’s true. You have the potential for it, and words never mean anything when one is already dead.

 

But you’re loyal to him, either way. You don’t know what else to be. As much as you like to pretend that you are just as human as him, you know that you’re _not_ , and the acknowledgement is all you need. You don’t want to be delusional. In the end, being human isn’t something you want to be, what with these complications they place on themselves. These painful emotions they make for the sake of being human, these masochistic and problem-seeking tendencies they have- why would you willingly indulge in that?

 

_(Robots can’t feel.)_

 

Despite this loyalty (although Dirk isn’t completely aware of it), he is in love with Jake English. Even a blind man would see it, which is rather sad to think about. This genius who made you, this genius who you’re made after, is the stereotypically pathetic man who can’t help from clinging to the one other man who’s shown him enough attention that he’s formed an attraction to him. It really doesn’t help that Jake loves him back, to be honest.

 

When Dirk made you, the beginnings of a crush were in your mind for Jake. The way that Dirk put him on a pedestal, the way that he clung to his attention (as subtly as he could manage it, thank whatever higher power’s out there)- all of it, you knew. They were all programmed into you.

 

You crushed the feelings with logic before they could fester, obviously.

 

But Dirk remained in love for years to come, which goes to show how there’s a (figuratively) solid difference between the two of you. While Dirk is logical, he can only take it so far as any human can, whilst you are not limited to such things. You are a robot, after all. It’s an advantageous thing for both parties, considering the fact that it’d be difficult to fight with himself over one man.

 

Without the rose-colored glasses they call infatuation, you find it difficult to see how Dirk could be in love with him. This man who made you with his own hands, who has proven himself intelligent in almost every aspect there is, who has control over you without even completely understanding it; this man is _weak_ to a green-eyed brunet with the charm of a boy who’s never found love anywhere else.

 

For all of his intelligence, you don’t understand just what it is he’s seen in Jake English that he’s formed an almost unbreakable attachment to him. The attraction had been understandable, the infatuation still explainable, but the desperation is a different matter.

 

You tell yourself that you dislike the thought of yourself in a similarly weak state, which is a logical enough assumption. Dirk would feel the same way for you, if you found yourself in a similar state as him.

 

You didn’t think, not once, that you’d become the same way. The percentage of chances was too slim for it to be possible.

 

_(Robots don’t have emotions.)_

Unsurprisingly, the relationship between Dirk and Jake ends after three years.

 

Surprisingly, it is Dirk who initiates it. After all that time he’d spent worrying at his own state, thinking himself clingy and half-worthy for someone like Jake English, you’d assumed Jake would be the one to end it. But the possibility of Dirk ending it for his own sake is a reality nonetheless, despite it being a chance in itself. You accept it as a fact when you see him, dull eyes and all, his whole body becoming limp instantaneously when you touch him. It doesn’t take much to bring him to bed, his body cold with nervousness still as he lies supine under the sheets.

 

He spares one glance at you, and you understand that he doesn’t want to be alone. You take a seat on the edge of his bed, sitting right by his hip, your gaze turned away as you let the silence play its soothing melody for both of your ears. You start to think that, perhaps, this is why Dirk keeps you even when you remind him of his faults. You are still the one person who can understand him without words, after all. Not many can say that they have someone on an absolutely similar wave length as them.

 

You wonder if he knows about what you’re thinking, right at this moment.

 

“This is for the best,” he says.

 

“It is,” you agree.

 

“He doesn’t love me, not really. I’m making a fool out of myself.” He closes his amber eyes, his hands twined over his chest- a perfect mockery of man’s death.

 

“You are,” you say in turn.

 

He hums. You say nothing to dissuade him from believing that Jake is not in love with him. Jake _is_ , and that’s the problem. Jake’s love is not the love that Dirk needs or wants.

 

“He’s probably confused as to why I brought it up,” he says, voice becoming weak with exhaustion. “He’ll confront me about it soon enough, won’t he.”

 

“He will, because he’s Jake. He’ll think that it’s a mistake that he’s made. That, and he’ll think himself unworthy if even his own best friend dumps him.”

 

“Your frankness is refreshing,” he says, laughing wryly. You don’t say anything about the tears in his eyes. “I shouldn’t take him back, should I? If that ever happens.”

 

“You’ll hurt yourself again,” you say. “And you’ll blame yourself for that.”

 

“Infallible logic,” he murmurs now, head turned to you, eyes still closed. You refrain from reaching out, although you can’t help the twitch your hand makes as you keep it clenched on your lap.

 

“I am you, after all,” you say, a smirk on your lips. He chuckles, but it doesn’t have even a drop of happiness in it.

 

“True. But you are your own person, and you’re not in love with Jake. Your perspective is even more valuable, I s’pose you could say,” he pauses to open amber eyes, something like amusement in the lifting of his eyebrow as he adds, “Unless you are in love with Jake as well and never told me.”

 

You pause deliberately, before shaking your head. Your voice is soft when you say, “No. I’m not in love with him.”

 

He closes his eyes again. You think of how illogical it is that he trusts you, that he closes his eyes to a potential killer, but you can’t complain. Your metallic heart whirrs in a particularly loud way when the silence grows once more.

 

Dirk snickers half-heartedly. “I can hear your heart from a mile away, Hal.”

 

Your heart, almost as if to be an intentional nuisance, whirs louder at those words. “Perhaps you need to check my system again, Dirk,” you say.

 

He shakes his head. You wonder if it’s because he doesn’t want to trouble himself with you anymore. You heart whines in the cavity of your chest, yet Dirk doesn’t say anything. Too tired, then. “You’d know how to fix yourself. Hardly worth the trouble if you’ve got the unlimited knowledge of a robot, don’t you think?”

 

(“Maybe I want you to be the one to fix me,” you don’t say.)

 

“True.” You pause, watching as Dirk’s breathing evens out. You wait until his breathing has formed its usual rhythm when he’s sleeping before inching closer, a hand slowly reaching out to stroke his cheek. He remains asleep even then, which is telling of how tiring the whole ordeal with Jake was for him. He’s usually a light-sleeper, just as much as you are.

 

 _He looks vulnerable whenever he’s asleep_ , you think to yourself.

 

He doesn’t stir when you move your hand up to lightly stroke his hair. You think of the many ways you could kill him at that moment- not with loathing, but with the cold detachment of a writer considering his possibilities. You think of the chances you could take right at that moment, how you could mark him right then, brand your name on his skin, perhaps sink your artificial teeth into his neck until it leaves a bruise. You think of how you could take him right then and how he’d never notice, because he’s spent all of himself on Jake.

 

You think of how all of him could be yours, if he hadn’t given up that one portion of him to Jake. The sole portion of him that you want all to yourself, and he gives it up without a fight to a man who doesn’t even understand the weight of its meaning.

 

You wonder if it’s narcissism, wanting to possess the man you were made after. You wonder how he’ll look if he finds out, the disgust that would be written plainly on his face as he finally gets the courage to eradicate you completely. You wonder if you’ll finally feel the pain that he feels for Jake, that stinging and heavy sensation he feels in his chest whenever he’s reminded of how Jake doesn’t feel the same way.

 

You lean over, watching as Dirk moans in his sleep, before using your hand to cup his cheek. He leans into your touch almost automatically, looking more at ease than before, mumbling Jake’s name as he shifts in his sleep. You don’t make a sound as you press your lips against his, keeping it quick before pulling away, watching as he makes a sound at the now gone contact. If you were any more human, you might have felt pained at the whisper. You might have felt cold, numb, _anything._ But you don’t. You just hear the figurative crunching of numbers in your mind as you consider the time limit of Jake coming back to make amends with Dirk.

 

It takes a while before you admit to yourself that crunching numbers provides you a distraction from feeling. The algorithm for calculating the chances of Dirk returning to Jake is simple and easy enough that you find yourself scrambling for another thing to solve, because this isn’t the type of emotion that you want for yourself. This desperation isn’t something you want to be yours.

 

You have emotions, no matter how much Jake likes to argue against that fact. You know that you feel something. You know that the chances of you winning Dirk over are on a negative scale, and you know that Dirk will take Jake back despite the knowledge that he knows there’s something missing. But there’s nothing missing, not really. Jake’s love is just different from yours, different from Dirk’s, and it’s not enough. But Dirk doesn’t see that, out of his desire for that one person who’s paid attention to him for all of these years.

 

You can’t change that, as much as you like to think how similar you are to him. You can only keep him yours for a short while, a month at most, before Jake needles him into returning to him again.  Telling him that he’s _right_ and Jake’s not meant for him can only take you so far, before he figures out that it doesn’t matter because he’s in love either way. Dirk can only ever be yours in his home, _your home,_ and while it doesn’t sound like much, you know that you still have him more than Jake ever will. You just can’t have him in the exact way that you want.

 

You had thought that, if you didn’t name whatever it was that you were feeling, it wouldn’t be real. A human reaction, but Dirk would call it progress. You’ve developed a defense mechanism. You wonder if considering the impossible as probable realities is a sign of your being defective, or if it’s another development. Would Dirk finally fix you, if you tell him so? Or would you be defective enough at that point that you’d consider self-destruction? Would that be less painful?

 

 _(Robots can’t-_ ERROR_INVALID_FUNCTION- _love.)_

(ERROR_INVALID_DATA)

Being human isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

 

(ERROR_FILE_NOT_FOUND)

 

(ERROR_BAD_UNIT)

 

(ERROR_SYSTEM_FAILURE)


End file.
